cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
