Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
