smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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