I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
