I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
