last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
