so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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