Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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