so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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