why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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