I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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