I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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