My hand turned me down
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
