Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
