So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
