Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Randomize
