Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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