I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Text me some of your sweat
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
