Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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