Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
