But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
