Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
