last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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