It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
