How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
