I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
