found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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