he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
