I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
