I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
