just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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