you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
