Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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