what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
