She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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