WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
