I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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