The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
