the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
