I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
