At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
