His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
