Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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