Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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