Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
