My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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