every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
