i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize