would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
