We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
